I’ve been wondering lately… a lot, if I’m honest, if being diagnosed earlier might have had some positive impact on the disposition of my marriage.
A great many things of course went into the mix, but one of the significantly harmful factors… was me. I didn’t show love in a way she could understand. I could very much be a jerk, even when I wanted so badly not to be.
When I look back and even look at the now, I am amazed that Raina was willing to put up with me for so long. People tell me that there is someone out there for me, but I can’t see how that could be true. The patience and tolerance (and love) of Raina was a very rare commodity.
The author of the book The Journal of Best Practices was very fortunate to be married to a Psychologist who was able to recognize what was going on before it pulled their marriage apart. When I read or listen, it starts me down this path of pondering.
I think that Asperger’s gives me a great ability to love “my one”, but also a great ability to hurt as well… and to not realize that I’ve caused hurt… and then not understand when it was pointed out to me.
So many little things I did that hurt her that I now know are part of this disorder… and that is not an excuse, but a reason. Now that I realize what and why, I hope that I’ll be aware and have a strategy to stop or redirect those behaviors.
And so I ponder. Perhaps uselessly. But I can’t help but wonder if things might have been different. And I can’t help but wish that they had been different. I need to keep that in check, that yearning. it’s OK to open the Box on a Shelf, but only to peruse through, ponder and then close it and put it back on the shelf.