For all of you who wonder how my heart can still yearn for my former wife (as well as the girl I thought to make my wife), I can finally explain it for you (and for myself).
I realized… I don’t fit in… ‑anywhere-. I am oddly and eccentrically shaped. Every single venture outside my door (and even those inside) are plagued with the pain and tension of never fitting in even despite much effort.
That’s ok. I have friends who extend grace and love and make a place I can fit in despite my odd shape.
So why do I not close off my heart to (and the hurt from) those few I have truly loved? It’s simple now to explain. With them, I fit. They loved me (I believed) and none of my irregularities and rough areas stuck out in inconvenient places… and in that context, I could relax.
Never, ever, ever am I able to have that comfort and relaxation out of that context. Every day is an arduous intimidating task to do the same thing I did yesterday. Hated it then. Hate it today.
I have had two, all too brief, periods in my life when that wasn’t true.
I think therein lies even some of my desire to have a family… Families fit, because they grow around one another. Love is the flexibility that not only molds one shape to the next, but also changes some of the difficult things about each one so that they fit naturally in that context and then outside of that context.
Of course, I’ve also learned that I apparently relaxed too much… the lesson there would be that I can never truly relax, but that’s a lesson, despite learned, that I will ‑not- embrace, because to do so would be to reject life and all hope of whatever joy God may grant in this lifetime.