(*Update: This post had been unpublished while I worked to gain some perspective. I have done so. I am in a different place. I am republishing for purposes of honest continuity.)
A question has been on my mind a great deal lately, and for all my pondering, I am no closer to an answer. Truly, I sort of took a jab at it and realized a very short time later how absolutely foolish the reasoning behind that jab was… it made good logic sense, as long as I set aside my awareness of the emotional side of things. In other words, no sense at all.
The question is, how do you make the observation to someone of, “I get what you’re saying in the here-and-now, but it is completely at odds with what you did and said in the before-now.”
I’m beginning to believe that the answer is, “You don’t.” If someone has carefully constructed an alternate reality/belief, or has pick-and-choose-en which information to retain, to give focus to, and to emphasis, and which to treat as inconsequential, discountable, perhaps even forgettable, they’ve done it to relieve emotional/mental discomfort.
As badly as I want, for myself (and I tell myself for them as well), doing so is selfish and unloving. I think that pretty well changes the question of “How To?” to a resolution of telling myself, “You Cannot, regardless of the effect upon you!”
It doesn’t matter how convicted I am. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts. It doesn’t matter if it feels ‘unfair’ or like a wrong which needs righting, or like the reality of the universe has gone all off-kilter and spun into the nuclear corona of a gas giant. If I claim to love, then I must also act in love.
And. I must pray for strength and resolve to overcome selfishness and weakness when the hurt and temptation begin to better my weak-man.
2 thoughts on “Reconnecting a Disconnect?”
No amount of praying for strength made the wanting easier to bear, but what helped immensely is realizing I can find joy and contentment in the Loving and the having found the perfect person finally ‑to love‑, not just having all the good criteria, including a desperate love for The Father and His Son, but also having very complementary hurts and hang-ups and baggage and sin struggles. Believe it or not, that later part is a fantastic blessing. Neither having to pretend they are the unbroken half of a relationship of two broken people. One having wisdom or experience where the other fails and vice versa. Support. Understanding. Patience. Reasonable expectations. How difficult to find that, especially at my age and in someone of contemporary age
No more playacting. No more looking for someone with youth to counter my agedness. No more looking for someone without baggage or hang-ups while expecting the wisdom of someone who had been tried and tested.
The absolute beauty of occasion after occasion of deliberate reexamination which increasingly each time absolutely reaffirms and strengthens conviction that something is absolutely worthwhile; a treasure found and determined to be of greater value with each and every assay. The knowing with absolutely certainty that there is no price or sacrifice too great and dear which one would not joyfully pay to have, and would continue to pay to keep, in the knowing that sacrifice would never feel like sacrifice, remittance would never feel like a loss or even exchange of value. What has any value when seen next to this radiance? Nothing. In the purifying light, all else appears cheap and tarnished. No burden to carry existant which would feel the least bit taxing so long as shouldering it meant the having. Once discovering it, even while having it not, but simply being aware of its existence making of it a great inexhaustible wellspring of joy. My heart sings with Joy at rediscovery and the casting off of chains of depression which I allowed to obscure a reality so real that no obscuration defies reason. I had abandoned reason. The Kingdom of Heaven is not the only pearl which a man may find and sell his everything to attain, it is simply the greatest and the one which must be obtained first and then may not be sold for attainment of any other treasure. There are however, other pearls one may seek having once secured the greatest. I have found just such a one. I feel shame for allowing that which does not matter to interfere but refuse to let that shame itself interfere. Praises be to the most High God!