(*Update: This post had been unpublished while I worked to gain some perspective. I have done so. I am in a different place. I am republishing for purposes of honest continuity.)
This shall be a work in progress for a while. I’ve not bandwidth and shan’t for a while. However, I wish to get the thoughts out before I lose them.
I’m coming to re-recognize the obvious.
Waking dream of failing to dissuade Rain from her horrible purpose.
Ravi or Ray Comfort, HAVE “nobody has ever been argued into the kingdom”. Nobody has every been argued back into love once they’ve established a fictional perspective of the past.
I can do nothing.
I have no choice but to accept.
I’m no stranger to having the past, especially the parts that matter most to joy and the heart, torn and mangled and made poison. Bitter awful poison. And no choice given, no chance of appeal. Like Socrates, I am made to drink.
I noticed something over the last few days. My heart is growing cold to relationships almost across the spectrum of my life. A part of me knows that this is just hideously awful but the rest of me is just glad of the respite and doesn’t want God, or scripture, or church family to interfere. That part just wants to double-down on nursing and turn my back on the remainder.