Reconnecting a Disconnect?

(*Update: This post had been unpub­lished while I worked to gain some per­spec­tive. I have done so. I am in a dif­fer­ent place. I am repub­lish­ing for pur­pos­es of hon­est continuity.)

A ques­tion has been on my mind a great deal late­ly, and for all my pon­der­ing, I am no clos­er to an answer. Tru­ly, I sort of took a jab at it and real­ized a very short time lat­er how absolute­ly fool­ish the rea­son­ing behind that jab was… it made good log­ic sense, as long as I set aside my aware­ness of the emo­tion­al side of things. In oth­er words, no sense at all. 

The ques­tion is, how do you make the obser­va­tion to some­one of, “I get what you’re say­ing in the here-and-now, but it is com­plete­ly at odds with what you did and said in the before-now.” 

I’m begin­ning to believe that the answer is, “You don’t.” If some­one has care­ful­ly con­struct­ed an alter­nate reality/belief, or has pick-and-choose-en which infor­ma­tion to retain, to give focus to, and to empha­sis, and which to treat as incon­se­quen­tial, dis­count­able, per­haps even for­get­table, they’ve done it to relieve emotional/mental discomfort. 

As bad­ly as I want, for myself (and I tell myself for them as well), doing so is self­ish and unlov­ing. I think that pret­ty well changes the ques­tion of “How To?” to a res­o­lu­tion of telling myself, “You Can­not, regard­less of the effect upon you!” 

It doesn’t mat­ter how con­vict­ed I am. It doesn’t mat­ter how much it hurts. It doesn’t mat­ter if it feels ‘unfair’ or like a wrong which needs right­ing, or like the real­i­ty of the uni­verse has gone all off-kil­ter and spun into the nuclear coro­na of a gas giant. If I claim to love, then I must also act in love. 

And. I must pray for strength and resolve to over­come self­ish­ness and weak­ness when the hurt and temp­ta­tion begin to bet­ter my weak-man. 

2 thoughts on “Reconnecting a Disconnect?”

  1. No amount of pray­ing for strength made the want­i­ng eas­i­er to bear, but what helped immense­ly is real­iz­ing I can find joy and con­tent­ment in the Lov­ing and the hav­ing found the per­fect per­son final­ly ‑to love‑, not just hav­ing all the good cri­te­ria, includ­ing a des­per­ate love for The Father and His Son, but also hav­ing very com­ple­men­tary hurts and hang-ups and bag­gage and sin strug­gles. Believe it or not, that lat­er part is a fan­tas­tic bless­ing. Nei­ther hav­ing to pre­tend they are the unbro­ken half of a rela­tion­ship of two bro­ken peo­ple. One hav­ing wis­dom or expe­ri­ence where the oth­er fails and vice ver­sa. Sup­port. Under­stand­ing. Patience. Rea­son­able expec­ta­tions. How dif­fi­cult to find that, espe­cial­ly at my age and in some­one of con­tem­po­rary age 

    No more play­act­ing. No more look­ing for some­one with youth to counter my aged­ness. No more look­ing for some­one with­out bag­gage or hang-ups while expect­ing the wis­dom of some­one who had been tried and tested.

    1. The absolute beau­ty of occa­sion after occa­sion of delib­er­ate reex­am­i­na­tion which increas­ing­ly each time absolute­ly reaf­firms and strength­ens con­vic­tion that some­thing is absolute­ly worth­while; a trea­sure found and deter­mined to be of greater val­ue with each and every assay. The know­ing with absolute­ly cer­tain­ty that there is no price or sac­ri­fice too great and dear which one would not joy­ful­ly pay to have, and would con­tin­ue to pay to keep, in the know­ing that sac­ri­fice would nev­er feel like sac­ri­fice, remit­tance would nev­er feel like a loss or even exchange of val­ue. What has any val­ue when seen next to this radi­ance? Noth­ing. In the puri­fy­ing light, all else appears cheap and tar­nished. No bur­den to car­ry exis­tant which would feel the least bit tax­ing so long as shoul­der­ing it meant the hav­ing. Once dis­cov­er­ing it, even while hav­ing it not, but sim­ply being aware of its exis­tence mak­ing of it a great inex­haustible well­spring of joy. My heart sings with Joy at redis­cov­ery and the cast­ing off of chains of depres­sion which I allowed to obscure a real­i­ty so real that no obscu­ra­tion defies rea­son. I had aban­doned rea­son. The King­dom of Heav­en is not the only pearl which a man may find and sell his every­thing to attain, it is sim­ply the great­est and the one which must be obtained first and then may not be sold for attain­ment of any oth­er trea­sure. There are how­ev­er, oth­er pearls one may seek hav­ing once secured the great­est. I have found just such a one. I feel shame for allow­ing that which does not mat­ter to inter­fere but refuse to let that shame itself inter­fere. Prais­es be to the most High God!

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